Self sabotage or partner sabotage – Dealing with yourself and unsupportive partners fears
Lifestyle change is hard, and without the right supports around you it can be even harder.
Often there is a phenomenon that occurs within ourselves or in our relationships.
Self or partner sabotaging
I’m sure you all have experienced the thoughts of “I’ll just skip it (exercise), I’ve had a long day” (which turns into most days), or when you are trying really hard to lose weight, and your husband/wife comes home with a pizza for dinner – knowing full well that you are trying to eat healthy.
These scenarios happen a lot, and when they do you can feel that you’re not being cared for, not listened to, or go down the rabbit hole of not committing to change yourself.
Why does this happen?
Change is scary. It comes from a protective instinct that keeps us safe by staying with something familiar – even if it is an unhealthy behaviour.
Sure this instinct had benefits in the past – such as the cave man or woman staying close to their shelter and around familiar people/areas to keep safe from harm, and having an exit strategy, falling back to the safety of the cave. It is probably still a useful instinct to have for our current safety – we generally don’t go walking around unfamiliar neighbourhoods at night!
The problem is that this safety instinct sneaks out when we want to embark on anything different.
So what are you afraid of?
People whom are finding it difficult to change their lifestyle or healthy behaviours are generally afraid of something.
Is it that you are afraid of failing? Letting people down? Become embarrassed that you didn’t get what you were trying to aim for? Afraid that others would laugh at you if they saw you exercise?
What would actually happen if you did fail to meet your goal? Would the world collapse? Would you lose friendships? I’d bet that actually when you think about it – nothing would happen.
Let that sink in a bit……. NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.
The only thing that IS happening is your thoughts toward yourself. Luckily thoughts can be controlled, and the way I want you to think about failing is that it is not a negative – it is simply a learning curve. It’s discovering what did not work for you, and that you can try it another way that might be more successful.
Plus if you did fail, in reality it just means that your goal was too far out of reach, and it needed to be more achievable in the first place.
“I couldn’t lose 25kg in 3wks – like the advert for my super special fat burning supplement said I would”
“Oh no I only lost 2kg this month – whats the point!”
Lets be realistic – Simply re-evaluate and change your goal to something achievable, and try again.
If on the odd chance that someone would judge or criticise you – don’t take it too seriously. Part of me would tell you to tell them to F*#k off, but I actually feel sorry for people that cast unwanted criticism, as their behaviour is occurring because of their own insecurities and fears of their own. It’s actually a bit sad. They probably don’t like the way they look or feel themselves, or are jealous of your courage and willingness to change. So their best defence mechanism is to cast this onto you, so they don’t feel so bad about themselves.
Now this insecurity leads us to the unsupportive partner syndrome.
They are scared too.
Scared that you will change and become different. Scared that you won’t be attracted to them anymore, you will be physically better, so you will leave for someone else. Scared that they cannot keep up with your level of exercise. Scared that you will look and feel great and will leave them behind. Scared of the unknown.
How do we deal with sabotage
First and foremost – it is communication. Actually it is only communication.
Have a good long look in the mirror – Reflect and evaluate why you might be sabotaging yourself. Ask yourself the question – What are your fears? Once these are known you can do something about it.
If you are fearful of how you look in a bathing suit , or don’t want to be around all the “pretty skinny girls” in your yoga class – find another task. Do what ever you are comfortable with, or better yet – enjoy doing. If you recognise that you’re sabotaging your eating, perhaps plan your meals in advance, or simply understand that one bad choice across a week wont make a difference, so relax and roll with it!
Have a real conversation with your family/partner/loved ones. Talk about why you are taking this journey. Talk about what it means for you. Be open about your fears. Encourage your partner to share the same, and talk about what your changes means to them. What are they afraid of?
If these thoughts are shared, I’d be certain that your partner would be able to understand and be more supportive than ever. They might even jump on the band wagon and come along for the ride!
The funny thing about fear – is that when we are looking down the dark hallway in the night – as soon as we switch a light on, we realise there is nothing there. So simply turn on the light to your fears, have a talk to yourself, and/or your loved ones.